i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I FOUND THE LEGS
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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