I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
