Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
