I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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