I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Randomize
