just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
