He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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