I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
