all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
