wrigley field is MILF paradise
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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