1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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