I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
