I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize