after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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