I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
