Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
