i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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