My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
