Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
