This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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