Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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