my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I cut my penus on the lid.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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