i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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