they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
