I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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