The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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