I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
