My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
