Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
