I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.