Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
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on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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