why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
