I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
