you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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