I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
