I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
