i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
