Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
