Do vagina's smell?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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