i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
not ubering you a puppy
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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