I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
