So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
