The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
