Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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