I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
