His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
