Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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