just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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