I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
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Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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