we have pet lesbian snakes
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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