I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
