maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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