i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
