I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
