Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
