It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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